Brotherly Love
by Penalty
Summary: Wow the very first Luke and Yan Fic this is defanlty ur fic if u love the two. So come on in and c a crazy au fic about the two :-)
1. Default Chapter

Ok so here's the edited version i decided that cos i really love butchering the English language i would hire some one mainly called Diesty-chan to read and edit so yeah now u can't go your spelling suck's. You can now opted for this story sucks or something along those lines.

Hay there I've decided to try my hand at a Hellsing fic. So here I am *~*. It was on one off my many train journeys that i thought up this baby. I put some elements off the Manga in it. 

But wow I think this is the first Yan (Jan or Jane yes I said Jane it's true he is called Jane in the Japanese Manga i was just as shocked as you when I read it. Oowww but i don't read Japanese I just saw it on a sight and I was like 0-0) and Luke fan fic here. Wow I'm not a scary fan girl off the two I'm more of an Alucard and young Walter kinda girl but meh. What you gonna do? 

So I really hope u enjoy?

Well the Disclaimer: Ow I don't own Hellsing or any of the charters but i have been told I look like Rip Van Winkle. Which I find really disturbing. But hay at least that's my cosplay outfit sorted :-p 

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The din of a familiar family member echoed through a blackened room. The black curtains restricted whatever sunshine that this tiny Island called England had. Slowly a singular gold eye opened followed by it's sleepy other half which was then followed by a half a sleep groan.

"Uuuummmm bro it's still like day time!" The creature burred it's self back in to it's nest. The door flung open seeping artificial light into the dark room. There stood in the door way was a guy dressed in smart silver attire, obviously the sleepy creatures sibling. Pushing his metal rimmed glasses up his nose he tossed his long white hair behind him.

"Look if you don't get up I'll rip that dame cover off!" But by now his sibling had fallen back asleep. The blonde trod carefully on the once blue carpet trying not to tread on cola bottles, full ashtrays and his brother's leftovers. That where from last night's dinner, that was slumped on the floor. 

"God he really is a pig!" The blonde muttered to himself. Going closer he could hear the faint snores of his brother. Clasping the bottom of the duvet, which was at his own risk, he yanked it right off exposing his younger brother who was curled up like a tiny child.

As being the Hu...Um slower one of the two, the creature's reactions were the same. First there was nothing, then a slight shiver, followed by the uncurling of his arms to find his lost duvet. Then came the realization that his duvet was indeed missing. Bearing his fangs the one known as Yan Valentine leaped to the end of the bed. 

"Luke you knob give me back my fuckin blanket!" Standing on his bed over towering his brother only to realize he was just wearing his blue boxers. He retreated back to the other end of the bed and submerged himself in the pillows. 

"Come on bro I'm freezin my balls of here!" Instead of the reply he was hoping; he was greeted by his flying cloths.

"Here put these on if you're cold!" Luke said firmly. Yan looked over at his clock. 

"But bro it's still like 11 o'clock!" Pointing at it. 

"And I think you need to dump your little friend. She's starting to stink!" 

Yan just smiled to himself. "Nar, she's fresh it's the one in the closet that's smellin." Luke really wished sometimes Yan never lived here. Yan always brought home little toys and dumped them leaving him to clean them up. Contemplating if the River Thames was a good idea to chuck another dead body was going through his head.

"I don't know why I bother with you." Luke also often wondered why he had convinced his brother to join the Millennium group and become a vampire. 

"I know bro cos you fuckin need me!" Yan clambered in to his royal blue pants. Luke just walked out and shut the door behind him. He chose to ignore that remark.

The room that lead to Yan's pig pen was a white crisp clean living room. Obviously not Yan's taste. The room consisted of metal framed black leather seats and a glass coffee table which was specifically placed on a black fluffy rug. The room had thick black curtains over the windows to keep the sunlight out. 

Luke sat himself on one of the chairs and read today's news paper.

The pig sty's door flung open. Formally know as Yan's room 

"LLLLUUUKKKEEE where's my fuckin hat!" A bed haired Yan stood in the doorway with both hands braced on the doorframe. 

"Have you tried the coat rack?" His cultured brother said over the paper. 

"BRO! Why do u keep movin my stuff? "He stomped to the rack which was next to the front door. Luke still engrossed behind the newspaper. 

"Because you make things a mess. So I have to move it." By know Yan had the whole coat rack on the floor and was searching through the coats. He looked at the unseeable floor 

"I don't make a mess I just creatively rearrange things!" Yan scratched his head. 

"Ah-ha there's the bitch!" Flinging a coat to one side and triumphantly put his trade mark beanie on his head. Luke grimed his fangs as he looked over the paper.

"Well maybe you should creatively put the coat rack back how you found it?" 

"Hay I'm not your fuckin ghoul! "Luke grinded his teeth knowing soon he wouldn't have any left if things kept going the way they were.

"Your such a fuckin pig Yan! I live here too! So you have your room, which you can choose to keep a shit hole! So don't mess the rooms we share cos I certainly don't want to live like a pig! So if you leave something hanging around of course I'm gonna bloody well move it!" Yan stood there like a little kid not understanding what his brother was saying. Luke always lectured him about the mess but it went in one ear and out the other. Yan settled himself opposite Luke yawned then coughed. Being a heavy smoker it wasn't a normal cough it was 'a oops! There goes half my lung.' Which the sounds churned Luke's stomach. Luke folded the well read paper in half and looked at Yan who had now finished spring cleaning his lungs. 

"So bro why am I up this early?" Yan said behind another yawn. 

"Mom phoned." Even though they were two grown up guys there mortal mother still looked over them.

"Wow. So you fuckin woke me up for that. So what did the old bat want any way?"

"You know the normal. What we're doing? What we have been up to? So I said you're still a lazy ass that brings home drunk girls."

"What!! Why do you always make me out as the fuckin black sheep!" Yan then burst out in to his ear piercing laugh.

"You know what would be fucking funny bro? If you like told her that we were like blood suckin vampire pimp bad asses? Who owns a strip joint and that we belong to a secret Nazi Organization! That would be fuckin hilarious!" Luke lifted an eye brow and backed a way slightly. 

"Yeah Yan." He said sarcastically. "But no where sticking to the original plan you're a shelf stacker at the super market and I'm a lawyer."

"What the fuck why can't I be the lawyer?" 

"Cos Yan you're an idiot and it's just as believable if we told her we were vampires." Yan could only mutter his favorite curse word under his breath.

"Anyway I have called this early house meeting for some thing far more serious." Luke pushed his specs up his nose. Yan rolled his eyes reached to the ceiling stretching and crossed them behind his head and slouched in the chair. He yawned. "I called this house meeting because some idiot. Lets not mention names. Yan! Has clogged up the computer with mindless porn. Now I don't mind the porn it's the fact that we have run out off milk and I can't use the computer to order it! And Yan do you know what that means?" Yan was now becoming a bit scared of his blonde haired brother, who's voice seemed to be getting more angrier by the second. "Do you know what that means YAN!!!" Yan swallowed hard. 

"Um no bro." Yan said in a high uneasy voice as he tugged at his collar. 

"I don't get any coffee. Then it means I get grouchy. So you know what where gonna do?" By now Luke was stood over Yan peering over his glasses.

"Um what bro?" 

Luke smiled at Yan. "We're going shopping!" 

Yan's face went from terrified to horrified. "You fuckin what bro? You're fuckin jokin! No fuckin way am I goin outside in the day I'll fry!" Yan now was standing up face to face with his brother. Luke smiled slyly and chuckled to himself. 

"Oh yes we are and where goin now!" Luke poked his brother in the chest and turned away and walked to the door. Luke delved deep in his silver suits pocket pulled out a bottle of some sort which he threw to his confused brother. 

"Here you'll need to put some of this on!" Yan caught the bottle and read the label to himself ' SUN BLOCK' he couldn't help but burst out in to his shrieking laugh that always went through Luke. 

He wiped the tears from his eyes. "Bro you had me goin there but no fuckin way is sun bloke gonna work! You've been watching Blade to many times!"

" Just put it on you moron I'll wait for you in the car." Luke gave Yan one of his 'no I'm not fucking around now do it looks.' Yan just stood there with the bottle still clasped in his hand he watched his brother shut the door behind him.

"God damn he's being serious." He opened the lid and smelt the contents.

Sat in the car with the motor running. Obviously the sun block idea had worked. Luke sat there waiting for his brother to emerge from their apartment. He slumped both arms over the steering wheel then rested his chin on them. He peered at his watch. "What the hell is he getting up to?" He muttered to himself. "Why am I always waiting for him?"

From across the car park he saw his brother emerge. Yan rubbed his eyes for he had not seen the sun for a long time. Yan was doing some sort off commando thing. Dodging in the shadows trying not to get in the sun. Luke sighed and hit his head against the steering wheel from embarrassment. Yan dashed from the main entrance to a neighbouring shadow then did a roll to the next. He took refuge under a tree that was opposite his brother's car. But the tree was on the opposite side of the car park. 

"Shit!" He muttered under his breath. Yan had ran out off shadows Luke chuckled to himself. I think that this should be amusing to watch, he thought to himself as he chuckled.

"BRO DRIVE THE CAR OVER HERE MAN!" He yelled to his brother Luke just laughed, yes this will truly be funny. Yan scrunched up his face at his brother and pulled his left check down and stuck his tongue out. Yan looked around panicking. 

"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" Then suddenly he spotted it his saver. A bush, yeah the bush would work! Yan ripped the shrub from the ground, well he does have vampire strength, and held it above his head using the bush to shade himself. "Shit I should off brought out an umbrella!" He thought to himself. 

Now from funny seemed to go to painful to watch Yan, so Luke got out off the car to prove to Yan that the sun block did indeed work. Yan stood in the middle of the parking lot and mouthed something to his brother. One could only imagine it to be one of his signature curse words. He threw the bush that shaded him to one side leaving twigs and leaves in his hair and beanie. He stomped to the car and flung the door open then slammed it behind him. Yan sat there with his arms crossed in a huff, sulking.

"You're a fuckin knob bro! You could off told me it fuckin worked!" Luke glared evilly at his brother, as his sibling picked the twigs out of his beanie. 

"Now as you've pissed me off that much I'm gonna pick the tunes. I ain't listenin to any off that classical shit!" Luke clenched the wheel in frustration. Yan smirked as he knew he had pissed him off, and as for Luke who was about to blow a fuse any second now. 

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Yep now I'm fed up with the word fuck and bro. I don't know how many times I typed it but meh!

Any way I hope you enjoyed the first on fanfiction and not the last all Yan and Luke fanfic. Hopefully the next chappie will be up soon but don't count on it I still have to type up some other stuff. *~* Bugger 


	2. Im Lovin it Badabababa

Luke: I'm Luke! 

Yan: And I'm Yan!

WITH THE WEATHER REPORT 

Yan: Hay haven't we already done this?

Luke: *~*

Yan: I'm Yan! 

Luke: And I'm Luke! 

WITH THE DISCLAMER 

Luke: Penalty does not own Hellsing!

Yan: Nor me even though I'm a bad ass harbinger of love! 

Luke: Shut up! Nor does she own any of the characters. Even though we have been told she looks like Rip. 

Penalty: * smacks Luke *

Luke: OOOWWW!

Penalty: Bitch no I don't argh!!! 

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"1.2.3 Who should I kill, Every mother fucker runin up the hill,1.2.3 what should I do, Get fucked up and fuck up with you dun dun dun dun dun ........PUSSY LIQUOR!" Yan had put one of his mindless annoying rock bands on. The song was almost as bad as Yan's attempt at singing. Luke finally had enough of this song. He thought that three times in a row was plenty. He reached out and pressed the eject button.

Silence.

"Bro.... What that the fuck ?" Yan yelled, complaining.

"I'm turning it off Yan!" Yan glared at his brother and pushed the CD back in and skipped back to the song. Luke then pressed the eject button again before the song could even start. Grabbing the CD as it exited the player Luke threw it to the back of the car for he knew that Yan would just start playing it again. 

"You Bastard that better not be fuckin scratched!" Yan turned around to reach out for his CD that had landed on the back seat. 

"I said you could listen to your music if you shut up. But you seem to sing along. I can't stand to listen to your insane whining anymore. Don't you know what the word shut up means?" 

Yan could only smile. "Nope and Shut up is two fuckin words you idiot!" Luke sighed and rolled his eyes. Yan had now slapped another one of his CD's into the player and again was singing along to it. This situation reminded Luke of when they where kids and Yan would insist he watched his sing along Disney videos when he knew Luke wanted to read his Mr. Happy book. 

"All day I dream about sex...... All day I dream about ffuuuccckkkinnggg!" This rock music was almost as annoying as Yan. Wait no Yan was the most annoying thing Luke knew. Luke grasped the steering wheel tighter with both hands. "Only a few more blocks and we'll be there." Luke thought to himself.

"Yan brother dear do we have to listen to this. May be.... I don't know we could listen to something more classy?" Luke asked, uncomfortable with the rock music. 

Yan shrugged. "Sure whatever we're nearly there anyway." 

Luke gave out a sigh of relief. "Thank god." He murmured. 

Yan handed him the CD holder. They conveniently stopped at a red light giving him enough time to sort out a suitable CD. There it was a CD he thought would piss Yan off. One of Luke's dates' had insisted he played it. She unfortunately went missing' after there date so it was left in his car. Luke pushed the CD in to the player then pressed play. Just in time for the light changed green. The CD took a few minutes then there was four sharp claps then. 

I'M LOVIN IT (BADABABABA) Followed by the smooth sounds of Justin Timberlake. An evil smile crept over Luke's face as he looked at his shocked brother's face.

"Bro you fuckin own this?" Yan was shocked he pointed at Luke with one of his gloved fingers and burst out in to his shriekish laughter.

"DUDE JT is the fuckin man! Badabababa I'm lovin it!" Luke hit his head against the steering wheel, then realized he had taken his eyes off the road. Swerving the car out the way before he hit an old granny.

"I'm lovin it badbabababa!" By now Yan had cranked the volume to full blast. He had the window down and one arm out holding a lit cigarette. He tapped his hand on the side off the car door to the beat. They stopped at yet another set of traffic lights. 

"Damn why are the lights always against me?" Luke cursed 

"That's cos your fuckin damned forever and your goin to Hell" Yan said with drawing his cigarette from his mouth and exhaling the smoke out the window. His eyes were greeted by two females in the car next to them. Yan hanged his head out of the car like a dog to get a better look.

"Hay there bitches!" He shouted over the music to the neighbouring soft top car. The two young females looked over their blackened specs. They didn't take to kindly to be called bitches. The passenger, a brunette rolled her eyes and looked back at the road. The driver flicked her black hair and shrugged him off. 

"Yo bitches! I'm talkin to you, you fuckin foxy ladies!" The darker haired of the two glared over her sunglasses and looked at the gawking Yan.

"Yeah fuck yeah am i talkin to you! Wanna go for a ride with me? You seem the type that would scream for fuckin more of me!" Yan smiled chuffly and raised a eyebrow at her. Yan's chat up lines where always crude and straight to the point. But he was soon to learn that he was definately not her type. The brunette placed her right hand on the drivers thigh. 

"Hunny is this pig pissing you off?" She then whispered something in her lover's ear. Yan only caught the word three-some. Which with the sound of that word he seemed to get a smile from ear to ear thinking "Fuck yeah!!" 

"Nar he's not our type. He's one off them!" She giggled and looked past Yan to his blonde haired brother who was now swearing at the lights. Evily the black haired one kissed her lover on the lips, obviously just to taunt Yan. Who was now drooling with his tongue hanging out, and if he wasn't careful his dragging tongue would indeed get run over. 

"Bro! Bro... BRO!" Yan retrieved his tongue of the floor and tapped his brother on the arm.

"What now Yan" He snapped. 

"There's lesbians in that car!" He was almost hyperventilating from excitement and was franticly pointing to the neighbouring car. 

"Yes they're lesbians Yan, how nice I heard. But did you here what they were getting at?" Yan looked confused like I said he was the slower one of the two. Luke flicked the electric button putting the window back up. "Doesn't matter, you wouldn't be too pleased." Luke looked back up at the lights which flicked to green. With a sigh of relief he pulled the car away from Yan's two friends.'

"No wait bro... BRO! I wanna go with them bro.... bro .....BRO!!!!! No!!!" Yan squashed his face up against the window, as they pulled away streams of anime tears rolled down his tanned cheeks.

"NNNNNOOOOO!" Luke kept both eyes on the road and blocked the pleas of Yan to go back. Nothing was going to stop him from reaching the super market not even a whole car full of hot lesbians. He needed coffee and he needed it bad. 

Eventually the Valentine brothers arrived at the super market's parking lot. By now Luke had decided from disliking Justine Timberlake it went to pure hatred.

"You know what I fancy Luke?" Yan asked his brother. 

"A smack in the face!" Luke mumbled.

"Huh? What the fuck? Any way I think I want a fucking McDonalds. That fuckin song makes me want one. Do you think they like put fucking subliminal messages in it?" Yan was now going off on one " You know like. You must eat fuckin McDonalds in the fuckin lyric's. I bet they fuckin do and I bet they like kidnapped him to sing the song and like-"

"Yan shut up you really do get annoying and we're not having a McDonald's we're vampires!" Yan just continued his little theory about McDonald's and how Justin Timberlake wants to take over the world. 

"Yeah I fuckin fancy one of them mother fuckin Big Macs with shit loads of fries!" Luke remembered something horrible something that he didn't want to relive.

"Yan junk food gives you gas." Luke shuddered as he remembered his younger brothers bad habits of breaking in to his room at night farting on his head then running away laughing and the stupid pull my finger thing which Luke never quite got.

"Well gas or no gas I'm havin a fuckin McDonald's I haven't eaten anything for like fuckin years!" 

Luke sighed heavily as he pulled the keys out of the ignition and opened the door. He knew this was one fight he couldn't win and the way home would be torturous and stinky. He stepped out in to the midday sun flicked his hair behind his shoulder adjusted his tie. He looked up at the sun. 

"Only mad dogs and English men go out in the midday sun!" He looked at his watched which flashed one o 'clock. 

"Yeah well we're a couple of mad mother fuckers!" Yan replied as he slammed the car door. "Yeah a mother fuckin Big Mac I can taste it now!" He licked his lips. "So when we get there what you getting bro?" They walked to the super market that also had a conveniently placed McDonald's on site. More than likely so that mothers could bribe their kids to help them with the shopping 

"You still going on about it? Why do you crave junk Yan? We're VAMP-" Luke looked around and noticed that he was being glared at by mothers and there little brats. More than likely Yan had caught their attention with his swearing problem. Luke felt a sudden unease come over him. All those eyes staring at him. Those eyes so many of them everywhere his legs started to go numb as he remembered the torture he went through growing them back and the horror to find that his favorite suit was ruined. 

"Those eyes! Eyes every where!" Luke's face went whiter more than usual "Um Yan... does McDonald's do coffee really, really strong coffee? "Yan looked confused at his pale brother who was freaking out and mumbling something about how he hated dog food. Luke grabbed his brother's wrist. His face had gone white and his left eye was repeatedly twitching. 

"Um bro I think we so fuckin need to get you some coffee." Yan dragged his frozen sibling to the restaurant.

"Mommy that man was holding that other guys hand?" A small boy pointed out to his mother. 

"Don't worry Timmy may be he likes men." The boy's mother stared at the brothers. 

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wow so anther chappie fin soz it's not as funny and also I apologize. SORRY

Luke: You will I'm not gay!

Yan: Hehe yeah you fuckin are! :-p

But anyway I'm gonna take this crazy pair and think of an even funnier next chappie. 

Yan: Is there gonna be lesbians? * Both Penalty and Luke fall over anime stylie. *

Unfortunately there won't be any mild or any yuri in the next chappie sorry! 

Yan: Well I'm off! * walks off *

Any way hope you enjoyed, hope to see you next time

  
  



	3. MacDonalds makes Yan's day

A brief minute of insanity: 0____0 

Luke: Doo doo be doo! 

Yan: Oh baby I'm thinkin about your axe wound! 

Luke: Doo doo be doo! 

Yan: Oh baby I'm thinkin about your gash! 

Luke: Doo doo be doo! 

Yan: Oh baby I'm think about your axe wound. Thinkin about your gash!

Luke: Doo doo be doo! 

Yan: Hoo ho!

Penalty: *~* sorry folks that's my brief minute of insanity over. But hay hello and thanks for joining use for this late lunch.

Yan: * Scowls and Penalty * That's my line! 

Any way The Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or any of the characters I don't even own that song above but rathergood.com does. I don't own Mac Donald's or any other thing that blatantly isn't mine in this fic. Also a shout out to Child of flames who I'm still confused about the review. But it's 'All Day I Dream About Sex' and yes it is a song. It's done by a tiny band called KoRn.

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Luke had now gone in to full petrifaction. Yan tried to drag his frozen half dead brother in to the restaurant but he had come to a holt. He was now getting bored with this he could smell the food as he clawed at the door, which was just out of his reach. So he did the extreme thing. Yan sighed heavily, removed his left glove and slapped Luke around the face leaving a red hand mark on his cheek. 

"Oh! What the bloody hell was that for?" Luke grabbed his now throbbing cheek and growled. 

"You where fuckin scaring me bro. You where all like fuckin ghoulish man!" Yan said as he pushed the glass doors open. He could now smell the cooking food better, which made his stomach want it even more.

"Yeah! Fuck yeah! I love McDonald's!" Yan shouted at the top off of his voice as they walked up to the counter where a young blonde floppy haired guy stood behind dressed in the McDonald's stunning uniform.

"Welcome to McDonald's how may I help you?" The attendant said in a monotone voice. Luke read the guys name badge. 'Robin'.

"Well um Robin I would like.... um." Luke always took his time when it came to multiple choices. The attendant looked over to Yan as Luke starred at the menu board. He was a bit horrified and disturbed display as Yan had a face full of piercing. 

Obviously he could only think what an odd couple they were.

"Well I want a fuckin Big Mac and fry's don't be fuckin stingy on them! Plus this Bitch"He pointed to his brother. "Needs some coffee and make it fuckin strong!" Yan ordered him like one of his pet ghouls.

"Yan maybe I didn't want coffee maybe I wanted a um..." Luke read the menu.

"Strawberry milkshake." He said sarcastically. 

"Yeah right! You want a fuckin strawberry milk shake? Ok then!" Yan smiled evilly.

"Yo! Robin scrap the coffee he wants a strawberry milk shake!" Yan shouted over the desk. The attendant looked over his shoulder as he scooped the fry's in to a packet 'stupid loud mouth' he said to him self.

"Yan your such a pain. You know well that I need coffee and strawberries make me gassy!"

"Why don't you make up your fuckin mind!? 

After a few minute the food was ready and the attendant was stood back behind the till. "That'll be ---------pounds pleases" By now Yan had snaffled the tray of food over to a table, and left Luke to pay as always. 

They both sat at a table next to a window Yan had insisted they sit there. Yan said he wanted to see the scenery. Or as Luke knew only to well that he wanted to check out the talent that this fine establishment had to offer. Yan gazed out the window at the passers by as he shovelled the burger in his mouth. Eating time Luke always knew he would get peace and quiet from Yan, as Yan's mouth was busy doing something else apart from spouting out noise. 

"FUCK YEAH! Look at the ass and tits on that bro!" Yan sprayed his half eaten burger all down Luke. Yan was stood up with his face pressed against the clean glass goggling the young female. 

Then he slurped on his coke, which was clasped, in his other hand. Luke shuck his head in disbelief.

"Woo baby shake that perked ass!" He was shooting from the top of his voice. Luke was now hiding behind his hands as his foul-mouthed brother was making a scene.

The young female turned from as she could here a muffled din from behind her. The gar-gar' eyes of Yan greeted her; who was now drooling down the glass. 

"Yan! Will you get away from the window you baka!" Luke insisted as he pulled him back in his set. "Your such an embarrassment." Luke removed the plastic lid off the coffee and stirred it taking a mouth full only to screw his face up.

"Yuck! There's no sugar in this!"

"Bro you should be sweet like me and you wouldn't need sugar!" Yan smiled cheesily. 

"Damn these tiny sugar packets!" Luke seemed to be struggling open the packet of sugar. 

"Damn theses gloves!" He removed his gloves and opened the packet with his teeth. 

Yan almost never removed his gloves indicated by the many stains that where visible on them. Luke continued stirring his coffee as he watched his pig off a brother devour the sandwich in no time at all.

"Yan your such a bloody pig haven't you heard of chewing?" Luke said as he slurped his coffee. 

Yan wiped his mouth with the back of his gloves. "Nope." Yan then wiped his gloves on his pants. "Wanna see somethin totally gross bro?" Yan stuck his tongue out. 

"Pain cash wickums." Luke could only think how childish his brother truly was 

"And I can't believe you eat all of that even the gherkins that you hate." 

Yan's face went a shade of green as he found them in his mouth full of food. He stuck out his tongue and picked out the half chewed vegetable. He giggled as he stuck out his tongue. He glared at the vile vegetable and squinted his eyes making his eyebrows knit together. "Dame you vegetable of doom!" He then casually tossed it in front it of his brother. "There you go bro if I remember correctly you fuckin love those spawn of hell things." 

Luke held a hand to his mouth and shuddered having a half chewed covered in bread pulp gherkin thrown at him was not nice. Yan then started on his fry's Luke carried on sipping his coffee. Aaarrr, coffee the most important assent of Luke's life. With out it he couldn't cope with the apish creature he wished he didn't call a brother. 

"Fuck bro I think this has defiantly beaten me." He stared at one off his last chips, which was coated in tomato sauce. Then contemplated if he could eat this chip by squinting at it and waving it in front of himself. He then let out a massive belch and slouched in the chair beat. "Fuck I think this has defiantly beaten me". He threw the chip back in to the red packet. 

Luke fiddled with the ribbon at the bottom of his hair over seen by Yan 

"Bro why do u use girls ribbon" 

"I've told you once, I've told u a thousand times it's not girl's ribbon! Does it look PINK!" 

Yan shuck his head. "But it's still like fuckin ribbon!" Yan picked at his teeth.

"Well why do you... you " Luke was trying to think of a witty come back. But he just rolled his eyes; no he wouldn't sink to Yan's level. Luke flicked his blonde hair out of his face and stood up adjusted his jacket that was creased from where he had been sat down 

"Yan I think it's time to go" He looked down over his bloated brother. Who then clambered to his feet and brushed the crumbs of him leaving the premises and their rubbish.

The Valentine brothers walked across the parking lot to wards the over towering food market. 

"Dame I can't remember it bein this big!" Yan stood still in awe as his brother carried on walking.

"Oh Yan get a trolley?" Luke said over his shoulder. The teen looked around franticly if he let Luke out of his sight he was sure to get lost in this super market jungle. 

Luke hadn't quite entered the store when he heard. "Can the customer with the beanie please stop riding the trolley's?" Luke turned around to be greeted by his idiotic brother being approached by security guards. Luke just carried on walking Yan was defiantly not with him.May be if he was lucky he could lose him in her so he sped up. 

  


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Yan: nnoooo Wilson! Reaching out to Luke. 

Luke: Your not in castaway you moron. 

Penalty:And your not Tom Hanks

Yan licking blood stained smiley faced ball: But he's so tasty 

Any way moving away from Yan who's now drooling on the ball. 

So hope you enjoyed i might not have the next chap up to soon because one has way to many Hellsing ideas in her head so must right them down before i forget. *~* I do that a lot i would forget my head if it wasn't taped on. But yeah i'm glad to say anther has taken to the valentine bros so read Unfinished Business it's proper good. So VI VA THE YAN AND LUKE REVOLUTION!! *punching air

Yan: Bro she's insane 

Luke: This is coming from a guy licking a ball. 

Vi va revolution..... Vi va revolution... Vi va revolution 

  


  
  



	4. Todays Special Offer, Get Your killer Bl...

Yan: My ball *Holds ball out to Penalty *

Penalty* There, there Yan *hugs Yan who has an evil grin on his face *

*Yan thinks to self: Who said I didn't pop it on fuckin purpose. Yes shower pity upon me haha! *

Penalty: Yan? Is that your hand on my butt?

Yan: May be * grins*

Penalty: *~* Eeeewww! 

Hay one has returned and thanks to KharBevNor lol. Subway has arrived in our tiny town so haven't been to Mac Donald's for ages oh no tell a lie I went this morning. But I didn't want to do a Luke and gawk at the menu for ages then walk out. Lol but I will at sum point sort that bit out instead of putting ......... and to Blue mew I live in England so I know the slang and trust me we say fries and OMG ! did I put 'don't be skimp with the fries' lol well skimp can be the new stingy. Plus a shout out to child of flames ^-^ Gud choice of tunes plus no I didn't take offense just was very confused and yes it is stupid lyrics but quite humorous as it relates to Yan well. As oohhh really I have inspired you to do a pic please make sure you send me a link ^_^. 

The Disclaimer: AARR why can't I own Hellsing please Mr man who made it let me own it? *Pleading on blooded knees *

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Luke had sped away from his mischievous brother. 

"Bro!!Bro!! WAIT!" Luke then looked behind to see two big security guards walking towards him with their arms in arms with Yan. 

"Excuse me sir is this you're son?" Luke lifted an eyebrow in horror, did he really look that old? 

" Um" 

Yan gave an evil toothy smile "Yeah dad!" 

Luke shuddered at the thought of him being his offspring it was bad enough they where related. 

"Well could you keep him under control and do something with that foul mouth of his?" They let go of Yan's arms and then walked off. 

"God what parent would teach their kid language like that?" The one said to the other. 

Yan glared at them evilly, dusted his shoulders then screwed his face up at then and childishly extended his middle finger up behind their backs. Luke clouted his brother round the back of the head, which made his hat go flying exposing really bad hat hair.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" He rubbed the back of his head and crouched down on the floor to pick up his hat. "God Luke you dick what was that for?" 

"Well if mom caught you saying stuff like that she would do the same thing."

"Fuck you're not my fuckin father!" He said in a strop as he re adjusted his hat.

"And aren't I glad I'm not your father! Luke shuddered at the same thought of him being his offspring and now he knew he would be paranoid that he looked old. "You should really find a better way to express your self Yan?" Luke said conservatively 

"What bro? You mean like fuckin paint or sum think?" 

"No Yan I'm on about your swearing problem!" 

Yan just smiled he had tried but nothing seemed to work with him. Swear jars just filled up quickly and then he spent the money on cigarettes. "Like that's ever gonna fuckin happen? Swearing and me go to together like a horse and a fuckin carriage!" 

Luke thought to him self "Well may be you could just say something else?" 

"What like bitch? Cock? ..." 

Luke looked shocked at the amount of swear words Yan knew he wondered where he found all of them. "Um no Yan I meant change it to something else like......... If you fell over you would say?" 

"Shit! I fuckin fell over!" 

Luke was really getting no where with this. "No Yan you could say whoops se daisy." 

Yan just looked at him blankly and then broke out into a fit of hysterical giggles. "What the fuck bro that's like so gay! Just cos you say it doesn't mean I fuckin have to!" He carried on laughing. 

"Well may be you could find a word that sounds like a swear word?"

"Umlike vegetable eatin mother trucker or how about you bic!" 

"Bic? Isn't that a pen?" 

"Yep how insulting is it to be called a fuckin pen or a Bic or I could call you a truckin berral!" 

Luke was now getting scared of his brothers trail of thought. "I think we should drop this subject Yan?" He said as he started to walk off.

"Yeah you BIC!" Yan screwed his face up and extended his middle finger behind Luke's back and shouted. "ICH SCHEIBE DARAUF*" Luke stopped in his tracks. He couldn't believe his ears. When was Yan ever bilingual this wasn't right.

"Yan do you even now what you said?" Luke looked over his shoulder and looked down at his simple-minded brother who just shrugged he still had his middle finger extended. 

"I don't now bro but Jolene always does it to me?" 

Luke chuckled. AARR the ever butch Jolene she was all most as foul mouthed as Yan. "You're an idiot Yan, you shouldn't say things you don't no what they mean." Luke turned round. "Go get that trolley?" 

"Mocca mocca su su Ama!**." Luke rolled his eyes as his brother knowledge of swear words in other languages was annoying. 

"Yan remember I did study at Oxford and yes I now what you said plus I was the one who taught you it!" Luke sighed "Just get the trolley!" 

"I fuckin can't bro them bastard security guards said that if I went near another trolley again they would break my neck!" 

Luke slapped his palm against his head. Yes today was turning out to be a long day. He stormed past Yan and headed back to the main entrance singled out another trolley and stormed back in pushing it. Only to find his brother had gone from where he left him. Luke only knew to well that a missing Yan meant trouble for him. Luke pondered if using his super fast abnormal speed to find him would work? But then a certain giggle came from the magazine racks, that where situated a little way from the entrance to the left. 

"Fuck Yeah that's just what I wanted to see!" Yan was glued behind one off his favourite glossy magazines and I'm not talking about vogue ^_-. But any way anything female and naked would definately get Yan's full undivided attention.

"Yan what do you think your doing?" Luke reached out to the magazine and tried to pull it out of his brother's perverted hands. Only to discover he had a good grip on it plus he was fully engrossed behind it as he didn't even acknowledge his brother's presence. 

"Yan let go!" Luke ordered. "You have enough at home now give it here?" Luke screamed at his brother. People looked at the pair oddly and sniggered. 

" God look at those guys? How sad they're fighting over a porn mag!" A blonde girl said to her friend. 

"God how totally deprived can two guys get?" They nodded then walked away to continue there shopping. 

"Yan give it here people are starring!" Luke had now got his palm on Yan's face as he tried to pull to pull the magazine away but his brother was hypnotized. 

Yan then blinked. "Um bro it's kinda hard for me to turn the page when your fuckin hand is in my face!" Luke released his brother's face. "Shesh bro if you wanted some of this action you should of just fuckin asked?" Luke snatched the magazine while he had the chance. "HAY LUKE!" Yan clawed the air as his older brother held the magazine in the air like a big bully taunting its prey.

"First of all Yan! I can get my own 'action' and second we're here to get milk not buy the hole bloody shop!" 

Yan gave Luke his puppy dog eyes and wobbled his pierced bottom lip "But bro." He pointed to the magazine, which made Luke sigh. 

"All right just this once!" He tossed the magazine it to the trolley. Yan knew that his brother was a push over especially when it came to the puppy dog eyes look. Yan smiled smugly.

"Ah! Welcome lads and lasses to the Mega store!" There was an announcement from the a P.A system. The announcer seemed to have a very strong thick Scottish accent. "Come and see the popular for ever sharp Christian holy knives! See for yourself at isle 7!" Luke pondered and rubbed his chin in thought. He knew that voice but just couldn't put a face to it. 

"Fuck yeah knifes! Wow and there fuckin holy! They would work perfectly on Big Red!" Yan rubbed his hands together and cackled evilly. 

"Yan may I ask when have you ever been in to knives? I thought you said you where a gun guy through and through?" Luke asked his brother. 

Yan was a bit of a gun enthusiast. "Yeah well I thought you where a tit's and ass guy but..." Yan was now shoving Luke along from the back to try and hurry him along. "Come on bro hurry up." He growled. 

"Um Yan I can move a hell of a lot faster than you. You know I was the one give super huYAN did you call me gay?" Yan stopped shoving his brother. Luke was now looking over his shoulder at him. 

"Oh yeah great fuckin speed bro took you long enough to figure out when some one is fuckin insulting you?" Luke turned round and gripped the trolley until his knuckles went a shade paler than him. 

"Eeeerrrr took u fuckin long enough blar blar. God he's such a moron! " Luke mumbled to himself. The pair arrived at isle 7. They both stopped in horror.

"Shit bro it's that crazy knife welding priest dude!"

"Um bugger." Luke was stood there in horror he had already died once he didn't partially want to be slaughtered in a super market. "Um I Yan think we should" But by now Yan had joined the crowd of people that where surrounding the giant priest.

"Are you tired of knifes that just never stay sharp?" The priest known as Alexander Anderson was chopping up some sort of meat on his display table. "Well with these holy blades, blessed by the lord will stay sharp for ever. They even cut through any thing like a hot knife through butter." He picked the blooded knife up and showed the crowd with a cheesy smile that was thought impossible.

Next to him stood his lovely assistant a long blonde slicked back haired guy. Also clad in priest clothes. He was holding on to a cloth that mysteriously draped over something. 

"The holy blades can even slice through demons!" The crowd gasped as glamorous assistant know as Enrico Maxwell tugged on the red cloak making the crowd go oooooo and aarrrrrrr. There stood a wobble replica of Alucard complete with chibi angry face....

"ARG IM A SCARY MONSTER! ARG FEAR ME!!!" Yan laughed at the pathetic attempt of Alucard. 

"See lads and lasses as the holly blades can slice through any thing!" Anderson then turned in to his normal ecentric priest routine screaming at the tops of his lungs, welding his holy blades and showering bits of paper everywhere. "Damn you foul beast I shall slay yeah on behalf of god!" Anderson hit the wobble Alucard who then popped back up. 

"ARG I'M A SCARY MONSTER!! ARG FEAR ME!" 

Anderson was fuming. "DIE FOUL CREATURE!" He punched it again. 

"ARG IM A SCARY MONSTER!! ARG FEAR ME!" The enflated Alucard repeated.

"AAAARR PIG SWILL OF HELL I WILL BANISH YEAH BACK TO THE HOLE FROM ONCE THEE CAME!" He trusted one of his blades in to the side of the inflatable Alucard. Then pulled out leaving a hole that made a sizzling sound as air leaked out 

"ARGI'M A ....SCARY ...MON...STER.." The inflatable Alucard slowly drifted to the floor. Anderson stood over it triumphantly clutching his knife. 

Maxwell just sweat dropped and slapped his forehead "Great now I have to pay for another one of those things!" 

Yan stood there and had also sweat dropped out of sure confusion. He couldn't quiet grasp what had just happened. Even the crowd looked slightly confused. But Anderson just stood there beaming as if he had just killed the real thing. Luke grabbed Yan by the arm and towed him behind a tower of gherkins, which he was hiding behind.

"What the bloody hell are you up to?" Luke ordered. 

Yan just laughed at his brother. "Oh my god did you see that? It was so fuckin funny!" Luke just frowned he didn't like to hang around knife welding psychopathic priest who enjoyed slaying vampires. "But bro you saw what they did to the inflatable Alucard just think what they might do to the real one?" He raised a dark eyebrow thinking of the possibilities. 

"Yan now just think what you just said then ... InflatableDo you really think that the real Alucard is full of air?" 

Yan paused to think then leant up against the tower of cans. "Um I don't fuckin know!" Yan frowned at his brother. "Why do you always have to make a fuckin point out of every fuckin little thing?" He pulled a can out to through it childishly at his brother's head. He paused, Yan noticed his brother's face of pure horror. Was he terrified of a can being thrown at him. Yan turned round his eyes widened in horror. Luke could only stand in terror as a tsunami of gherkin filled cans came crashing over them both. His eyes widened and in slow motion both Valentine Brothers shrieked out. "NNNNOOOOO!" 

Darkness all Luke could see was darkness. Was this hell? Then a ray of light shone through then more. 

"Shit bro I thought you were a gonna!" 

Luke squinted his eyes as he tried to refocus on a brown blob in front of him he growled. Yan picked him up on to his feet. Cans of gherkins fell from his lap. Both were stood on top of a mountain of cans. The two had been buried by the tower of canned gherkins. Luke found himself arm in arm with the same security guards that had dragged Yan in. 

"Like we said sir could you keep control of your son?" The one spoke. 

"Yes we suggest a leash and mussel for that one?" He looked at Yan. 

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* Shit on this 

** Fuck you Bitch 

  


  


Luke : Why oh why does it always happen to me? 

Yan: A mussel and leash I ain't no fuckin gimp!

Penalty: *Smiles evilly * Hehe yeah you are hahaha! But oh wait till the next chappie of Brotherly love oohhh "Love at first fright".

Luke: That's such a gay name! 

Yan: Not as gay as you! 

Penalty: Any way I shall leave before there's a fisty cuff between these two. ^_^ See you all later Bye Bye

  
  



	5. Love at first fright

Um ok i'm sorry don't be mad

Luke: um you better be we've been stood here for agesdust cobwebs of shoulders

Yan:Eck my hat's covered in dust bunny's

Ok really sorryPraying on floor for forgiveness.

Ok really sorry been so busy with collage.

Yan:you mean drinking. Penalty clenches teeth

Where not all alcoholics YAN!But soz this chapter's been on my pc for ages and i just never got round to adding to it so it's going up like this. Short but sweet

Luke:Penalty doesn't own any thing cos she has drunk her self silly over the past few months.

That's so not true I've been doing collage work Know making pouty faceCollage work!!!

The security guards placed Luke down.

"Now sir will you please take more care and also we can't stress any more"

"Keep you child on a leash!" The other interrupted. Luke just brushed his suit down how embarrassing.

"Yeah keep a fuckin leash on me dad"Again the security guards had mistaken his baby faced brother as a minor. But there it was a again the 'D' word it made Luke shiver the thought of children made him quiver, ever since a young child attacked him with sticky ice cream coated hands in the park once. Smirring them down his suit leaving sticky marks on his prized cream suit. He has always hated them from then on . He was becoming fed up of always getting the blame from his brothers retarded ways. Even as kids he was always blamed

"Now Luke don't blame your brother he's only little"

"Luke why did you shave next doors cat?"

"Luke stop teaching your brother foul language" Luke's mother's nagging voice will for ever haunt him.

The pair had gone down several isle buy know. They where now slowly going down the beauty isle . Luke had a reputation to keep and not so he would damage his manly pride and ask for directions. The two where making there way around the store until they got to the dairy isle .

"Hay bro where's the fuckin milk at? This place is boring. I'm fuckin board. And it smells of girls I mean you I mean girls down here"

"Just a little further Yan why can't you ever be patient " Yan's nagging was almost as bad as there mothers. They where walking past the tooth brushes when something caught Yan's eye. He stopped and pick something up

"Hay bro bet you can't fuckin guess who I am" Yan turned around from his brother who just stood there looking blankly. Yan turned back round. In his left eye he had balanced a 50p and stood up straight and conservatively and in a posh ascent he said

" I have fought with the true army of the un dead hi ha" and through a box of dental floss at Luke's head holding on to the end of it so a trail of string followed it. It smacked Luke directly in the forehead.

"Ha ha ha To fuckin slow you're far to fuckin slow" Yan through anther at him with the string trailing behind it like party string. Luke just stood there blankly while Yan danced around him as though he was a may pole.

"Hay bro im that Alfred dude" Yan said. He looked again at his petrified brother then thought to him self "Hay this isn't fuckin right. Shit don't tell me he's gone all ghoul again. Shit! I wish he would get fuckin shorted out " Yan walked over to his blank faced brother and waved his arms in front of him like a maniac. No response

"Hello any one fuckin in there" He knocked on his brother's fore head. Still no response Yan turned around to think he scratched his head. Then it suddenly hit him like flying dental floss.

It was her.

The raven haired Rip Van Winkle, millennium's favorite little pet. She was crouched down at the other end of the isle. Looking at a packet of black hair dye. She was wearing her typical black double breasted jacket and trousers. She pushed her black rimmed glasses up her elegant nose to read the packet.

"I bloody well hate her" Luke finally said as his eyebrows knitted together in disgust and was fuming at the ears. Yan only knew to well Luke was lying. The fact that Yan would always notice his brother starring at her with stupid goggly eyes at the meetings and also the fact he tried to cover it up by bitching about her. Yan had an evil thought.

"Nar bro I know you have a thing for her. Luke and Rip sitting in a tree F.U.C.K.I.N" Luke glared daggers at Yan

"Don't even try to finish that song off that is if you value you undead life. You can't be series. She is little miss perfect" Luke rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Yep your type. Mr little fuckin perfect mommy's boy"Yan pulled anther one of his puppy dog eye faces to taunt Luke

" Ow Rip I wove " then fluttered his eyelash's at Luke

Luke needed to think of a come back and fast but his brother was already in the process of trying to catch Miss Van Winkle attention.

"HAY THERE CUTIE!" Yan called out to her. She looked over her glasses and glared at them.

"Ow great it's muttersoehnchen and his erotomane bruder " She sighed to herself. She stood up still clutching the packet of dye her knees clicked as she stood up.

Yan pushed his brother towards her.

" Bro you so fuckin want to talk to her" Again Yan was pushing Luke from behind.

"Yan will you get off" Luke found him self stood in front of Rip who was looking down at him.

"Um hi um Rip Nice weather where having ha ha ha"

"What do you two clowns want?" She asked and stood there unamused.

"We fuckin came for some milk" Yan interrupted the two.

"And porn magazines I see... How....cute?" she looked in the trolly then smiled sarcastically at the pair bearing her mouth full of sharp teeth.

"So... um ....Rip.. how are you?" Luke's chat up skills where terrible. Even though he acted like he was gods gift to women he would always end up with one of Yan's left overs or one of the girls from the club, which where also Yan's left overs so basically Yan's left overs.

"Das geht dich einen fauchten derk an#" Yan looked blankly at them . He had no clue what on earth she was saying. But he grinned evilly as usual Luke was a lost cause so he decided to step in and help.

"So Rip you know my brother totally digs fuckin butch chicks like your self" Butch! Rip bit her bottom lip she wasn't butch it was just the suit.

"Actually Yan" Ow great Yan thought to him self his brother was trying to go in to his heroic routine" I beat Miss Van Winkle has a very nice slender structure under that suit" Luke then paused. There seemed to be a slight blush from the cold hearted Rip Van Winkle.

This was it Yan had enough his brother was now making those goo goo eyes he hated at Rip. He knew his brother would just stand there like a moron looking at her until she got creeped out and ran away. So he decided he would help him again.

"So Rip would you consider" Yan placed his hand on her shoulder whispered something in her ear looked at Luke smiled sinfully them whispered some more. Her face seemed to drop to disgust as she glared at Luke. Yan pulled away from her ear and stood back as Rip walked over to Luke she raised her gloved arm and slapped him across the face. She then turned away almost flicking her long raven hair in his face and walked off still clutching her packet of hair dye and muttered "Tameguchi kitten ja neyo"##. Yan looked confused his plan didn't go to plan at all. Normally when he told a chick that he wanted to do her they would jump in his arms. May be it could of been that fact that he said his brother wanted to do her that pissed her off.

Luke rubbed his sore check that made it twice he had been slapped by girls to day, including his brother. Which was one to many times for his liking.

Luke grabbed hold off the trolly and continued on his quest for milk he thought it would have been a simple journey get there find it then leave. But no Luke thought of taking his brother. He almost wished he had left him in his festering pig pen today.

"Hay bro did you hear what I said Im so fuckin sorry. Who knew that that chick"

"Yan just shut up. Can you at least do that or is your singular brain cell to out to lunch at the moment"

So ok done yeah now back to collage work.

Yan:coughsDRINKING!

You're so dead pulls out giant hilarious fan from now wear ok so who wants to say i'm not doing collage work .

nacy pancy boy

sex manic brother

# none of your bloody business

## don't disrespect me bitch


End file.
